And a roll of quarters.
It's laundry day.
Let's go!
Drop your weapons!
♪ Trying on a hat ♪
♪ Yes, I'm trying on... ♪
No...!
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
♪ Right back in my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family ♪
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear ♪
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place ♪
♪ Where everyone will know ♪
♪ My happy mustached face ♪
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
Sync by ThreeSixes www.addic7ed.com
Stay with us, Cleveland!
The hat...
Please tell me they saved the hat.
All right... quickly... I need his medical information.
What's his blood type?
I think, maybe A-positive?
B-negative.
Does he take any medications? I don't think so.
What? No meds.
I take nine pills a day.
Is he allergic to penicillin?
Uh, I'm gonna say... no.
Wait. I'm extremely allergic...
Sweet greens and histamines!
Help. Throat closing.
Sound like old jazz musician.
♪ Skoozadoo-bop-diddly-bop ♪
♪ A-doo-wap-bah. ♪
I still can't believe a van crashed into you
at 70 miles an hour, and you only broke your thumb.
Stop changing the subject!
What's important here
is that you know absolutely nothing about me.
Look at this!
The only thing you knew was my name.
And you spelled it wrong!
It's not C-L-E-A...?
C-L-E-V-E-L-A-N-D!
Really? Just like the city?
Yes!
Why? Were you born there?
I was conceived during the seventh-inning-stretch
of an Indians game.
Ask me anything about you.
O-positive.
36B and D.
cool ranch.
Cleveland, the reason you love me
isn't because I know every little thing about you.
The reason you love me is because I'm... Donna.
What? Let's be honest.
You pursued me for 25 years.
And all through those years, you kept your eyes on the prize.
I was your prize, Cleveland.
And you won me. Well...
You don't need me to know your likes and dislikes,
your shoe size, or which medications might kill you.
I am the Sun,
and you're the Moon revolving around me.
Doesn't the Moon revolve around the Earth?
I'll tell you what the Moon doesn't do,
The Moon doesn't question the Sun.
Stupid fathead.
Thinks he's an astronaut or cosmonaut. Shoot.
Donna really takes me for granted,
and it's starting to piss me off.
Ooh! Check out the hardwood floors!
It says they're all original.
Peg and groove. Gorgeous.
You know what else is gorgeous?
Touring open houses with no intent to buy.
But with... intent to dream.
Mm-hmm. Damn straight, my friend. Yeah.
No, you said it.
I mean, there I was, needing medical attention,
and she didn't know my blood type...B-negative.
What I'm allergic to...
Penicillin and water chestnuts. Duh.
Or which medications I take.
Zyrtec, Prevacid, Lamisil, Lunesta,
Xanax, Celebrex, Flomax and HGH.
And as of Thursday, Lipitor.
Trying to get my cholesterol down to the 300s.
Recessed shower bench.
That's where I'd live.
That... is where I'd live.
Huh. Hey, Cleveland,
there's a photo of you over here.
In other words, there's a photo of some black guy.
Possibly a dark-skinned Latino.
No, this one's definitely you.
Hot damn! You're right.
Hey, there's more.
Oh. Oh, my goodness.
I cannot take a bad picture.
You've got a stalker.
I've never seen this from the other side.
Oh... my... God!
I've got a stalker!
Somebody's obsessed with me!
Take that, Donna!
Do you gentlemen have any questions? Yes.
What's the current owner's name,
so I can rub it in my wife's face?
Oh, I'm sorry,
I'm not allowed to disclose that information
unless you're buying the house.
I see.
We'll take it.
Congratulations, gentlemen,
on your new home.
Now if you'll just sign these closing papers...
Aha! Patricia Donner.
The seller's name is Patricia Donner!
We will not be buying the house after all, thank you.
What?! Why?
We broke up.
You know, we probably could've just Googled the address.
Google? What, are we making up words now?
Why don't we just fleeble-flobble
down to the jim-jam, Tim?
Bad bear.
Cleveland! I have news.
Apparently, I'm someone's prize, too.
A real, live woman by the name of Patricia Donner.
What? Patricia Donner?
You mean "Fatty Patty" from back in high school?
I knew that name sounded familiar.
La chica...
es gorda.
Es gorda.
Tiene...
los "back boobs."
Los "back boobs."
What's she saying?
I'm completely lost.
Well, I think it's great that you're a prize to Fatty Patty,
since everybody knows fat girls are oh, so choosy.
What's so funny? Is Nurse Jackie on?
I don't have to sit here and take this.
I'm going to go hang out at Patty's, where I'm appreciated.
I bet you he's gonna cry.
Yep. He cryin'.
Oh, I'm sorry. Is your obese mother home?
Cleveland? It's me, Patty.
The hell it is!
Oh.
Fell off the porch.
Sorry, if it seemed forward,
but I had to give that recessed shower bench a test drive.
And let me say, "Wow."
Normally I get all winded during my showers, but not today!
So...
you saw the photos I have of you.
I swear I'm not a stalker.
Oh, sure. That's what my last stalker said.
Then she killed herself on our doorstep.
I'm just kidding.
She's on the Today show now.
Stay away from me, Hoda.
Hey, killer tat.
You got ink.
Yeah, I've been thinking about getting inked up with some tats.
Ink tats, the coolest kind.
It's a hot-air balloon.
They're kind of my thing, ever since I was a kid.
I guess because I was overweight,
I liked the idea of being, well, lighter than air, you know?
Hmph. God, I sound like such a dork.
Because you like balloons?
Ha! Then I guess the movie Up is a dork. Not!
It was a very successful motion picture.
Oh, Cleveland, seeing you takes me back to tenth grade.
High school must have been tough for a girl of your...
circumference.
You were the only one who was nice to me back then.
When those kids stole my bike,
you gave me a dime, so I could call for a ride home.
Ha! Remember pay phones?
Those were the days.
I mean, where would Superman change now?
Inside a little tiny cellular phone?
No way, he'd have to be way too small. Wouldn't work.
Oh, and God, I was so... into you.
I never missed a broadcast of that controversial pirate radio station
you ran out of your basement.
No one gets us, you know?
Everything's so stupid these days, with...
with our stupid teachers and their stupid rules,
And, uh, our stupid parents
who just don't understand.
And our stupid government telling me
what I can and can't do with my body.
Sometimes, I think we should
just blow them all away.
But first, let's take a ride on "Electric Avenue"!
♪ Oh, no ♪ ♪ We're gonna rock ♪
♪ Down to Electric Avenue ♪
♪ And then we'll take it higher... ♪
So, where have you been?
Last I'd heard, you'd left the Foreign Service
and moved to Rhode Island to work in a deli.
I owned a deli.
Smell.
Mmm.
You still smell like bologna.
Ham-ham-ham-ham-ham-ham-ham-ham.
And then you move back, just when I'm moving away.
Why are you moving?
I want a family.
And my biological clock is ticking like a bomb.
I call my uterus The Hurt Locker.
Ha!
Donna's lucky she snapped up the one great guy in Stoolbend.
I hope she appreciates what she's got.
Yeah, right.
She appreciates me about as much
as people appreciate pay phones these days.
I mean, who still uses a pay... Okay, Cleveland.
Well, then, how about some "I appreciate you" cranberry scones,
with a little "I don't take you for granted" strawberry jam?
I've never heard of these brands.
We now return to
Middle-aged slobs yelling at each other about building a motorcycle.
What the hell are you doing with this chopper?!
I'm waiting on a tire!
When's it coming in?! I don't know!
Do I look like I work at the tire store?!
Hey, knock it off! You knock it off!
Damn it! Zachary Quinto needs this bike!
Aw man. Now, I'll never see them
almost not finish the bike on time
but then finish the bike on time!
Well, Donna, I spent the day with my admirer.
You know, the one we called "Fatty Patty"?
And I don't want you to feel threatened or anything, but...
"Threatened." Please.
I think it's great
you've got somebody worshipping you for once.
You've never had that, have you, Cleveland?
Well, there's Junior.
But he also worships airport security workers.
Go right on through, sir.
I don't notice anything, because
I don't take my job seriously.
Hey, why don't you
invite Fatty Patty over for dinner?
She's probably lonely.
And I know she likes dinner.
♪ ♪
All right, you know what?
I will invite her to dinner.
Of course you will.
You do whatever I tell you.
You didn't tell me to pop and lock out of here.
♪ ♪
I just dropped everything in the deep fryer a second time
to be sure it's to Fatty Patty's liking.
Oh, for her, you do it?
Cleveland, why are you setting up the video camera on a tripod,
pointed right at my face?
Oh, no reason.
I'll get it!
Hi, Patty. Look, Donna, it's Patty.
You must have a lot of good pictures
of you holding up giant pairs of pants.
Donna, doesn't Patty look good?
I've got to say, I am impressed.
Well, thanks.
I'd be happy to share my secrets
whenever you decide you're ready.
For one thing, you might want
to stop frying everything twice.
It's bad for you.
Hey, speaking of getting in shape,
do you remember when you won
the President's Physical Fitness Award?
Remember?
It was only one of the biggest events of my life.
I'm sure you remember, Donna.
Oh, yeah, it was 1980... ff...
83.
I'd never seen anyone do calf-raises like Cleveland.
Aw, don't make me do my calf-raises.
Oh, all right.
Huh? Huh, huh, huh, huh?
Lower your calves and sit down, fool.
Wait, Cleveland,
do you still whistle competitively?
Oh, I'm a little rusty, but...
When did you learn to...?
Hey, Patty, just out of curiosity,
how do you spell my name?
I think I can spell the name of the city
where you were conceived
during the seventh inning stretch of an Indians game.
C-L-E-V-E-L-A-N-D.
Who doesn't know that?
D-A-W-N-A.
"Whenever you decide you're ready."
'Bout ready to punch you in your skinny head.
Donna?
Oh, great.
You're wearing your smug suspenders.
Yes, and let me say,
dinner was delicious.
Watching you and Patty, I mean.
You are not to see that woman ever again.
Why, Donna,
you're not jealous, are you?
For how can the Sun be jealous of the Moon?
How can Beyoncé be jealous
of one of Destiny's other two children?
Ah! My back boobs!
I was whistling the anthem for weeks after that.
Donna doesn't allow whistling in the house.
And she doesn't want me seeing you anymore, either.
She's worried something might happen between us.
Isn't that crazy?
I'd never cheat on her.
Suddenly I'm a "seductress"?
Here, let me get you another drink.
Okay, but try not to pour it seductively.
Oh...
Although it's not that crazy
that you and I would be together.
And to be honest,
I have thought about us being more than friends.
Oh. You have?
Actually, kind of a lot.
I have to confess,
I kind of have this fantasy
about soaring through the clouds
on a hot-air balloon.
All of a sudden, I'm-I'm feeling dizzy.
Making beautiful love on each other.
Hold on.
Did you put something in my...
Oh, good. It was just a dream.
I'm not really accepting an American Music Award
in my underwear.
I'm just tied naked to a stranger's bed?!
Okay, what happened?
What happened? A note!
"Dear Cleveland."
Huh. Still has fat-girl handwriting.
"I am so sorry about all of this,
but I hope, in time, you will forgive me."
Well, that depends. Forgive her for what?
"Again, my biological clock is ticking,
"and the only person I would ever want
to have a child with is you."
Aw, that's flattering.
"So, I drugged you, undressed you,
prepared a specimen cup, put on a rubber glove, and..."
Damn, end of the page.
And what?
No!
She jacked me!
By which I mean, "stole something from"!
She stole my essence!
And here is the spacious master suite.
Hi.
Which is perfect for deviant sex acts.
We'll take it!
You what?!
Let's not blame the victim here.
She made glove to me.
And I wasn't even awake to enjoy it.
So you had drinks with a woman I told you never to see again,
and then she turned out to be crazy,
and ended up drugging you,
stripping you, tying you up,
and stealing your jazzmatazz?
That's one way to look at it.
The other way is, "Hooray, I'm gonna have a baby!"
We're having a baby?
Oh man, I'm gonna be the best big brother ever.
I'm gonna teach him everything I know,
and be mama's big boy helper. And...
Wait a minute. Is he gonna play with my toys?
He better not touch my Lite-Brite.
I got a clown on there!
Oh, no, and what if he's cute?
Cuter than me?
I hate him!
Ah, we'll be friends as adults
when we reconcile at your funeral.
Anyway,
you need to go find that woman and stop her.
You're right.
Donna, if you wanted to inseminate yourself,
where would you go?
Well, I'd go to a fertility clinic.
But that's just because I've got a fertility clinic
tattooed on my wrist.
That's it! I know where she is!
Meet me there after you figure it out!
What this woman did to me was a crime
against all men everywhere.
So we're gonna find the hot-air balloon
where she's planning to artificially inseminate herself,
and we're gonna get back my spermatozoa.
Well, there it is.
We will literally do anything this guy tells us.
She must be in one of those.
Holt, give me your $600 binoculars.
There she is. Let's go!
Patty!
♪ I want my babies back, babies back ♪
♪ Babies back, babies back, babies back ♪
♪ Babies back, babies back ♪
♪ I want my babies back, babies back... ♪
♪ Cleveland's potential kids ♪
♪ I want my babies back, babies back... ♪
♪ Cleveland's potential kids ♪
♪ Barbecue sauce. ♪
You're too late, Cleveland.
The doctor is in.
Cleveland?
Dr. Fist, you can't do this.
I haven't given my consent!
Sorry, but it's the Hippocratic Oath.
I'm required to provide medical treatment
for anyone who gives me cash money.
Patty, please!
You don't want that!
I have the herpatitis.
Nice try, Cleveland, but that doesn't exist.
Oh. Okay, Patty,
I've wet-napped the baster.
It's as sterile as it's gonna get.
Then go ahead, Doctor.
Inseminate?
Insemi-not!
Donna!
I dug up the old yearbook and saw
that Patty's "senior wish" was to have sex with you
in a hot-air balloon.
In a way,
we're-we're all still who we were in high school.
Listen up, Patty.
You're still thinking like a fat girl.
You can do better than Cleveland now.
Hurtful.
You can do better than a man
who tivos nine different judge shows and watches them all.
A man who thinks that turning a sock inside out
makes it a whole new sock.
A man who puts skim milk
in his seven-sugared coffee.
I do do those things!
Oh, Donna. You do know me!
All is forgiven.
I didn't do anything wrong.
You didn't have to.
You're right, Donna.
I don't have to settle.
I guess I was so blinded by that one nice gesture in high school
that I didn't see everything else.
The spare tire,
the outdated mustache,
and that bubble-throated horn voice!
We get it!
Yuck.
Dr. Fist, hold your fire.
I'm not going through with it.
Aww.
Can I keep looking at your business till we land?
No.
I never get to do anything.
I guess I should get out of Stoolbend.
See what the world has to offer.
I just hope I can find someone
who's as devoted to me as Cleveland is to you.
Aw, you won't.
You're too crazy.
Well, I guess we won't be needing this.
No!
♪ Dun-dun-dun! ♪
Sync by ThreeSixes www.addic7ed.com